Talk About an Eye Roller!

This is a really horrible commercial. And I shouldn't have to explain why. The last line is my fave.



ps - Thanks, dude, for displaying who the "artist" is throughout the entire commercial. Can't wait to look him up and see what other magic he has for us.

Plea Letter

Dear Shops of M.V. Manager or whomever this affects the most:

We have a problem. Now, I'm all about solving problems, so I will offer the solution.

The problem: the kiosks, namely the Kiosk Sales People (let's call them the KSP)... you know, the ones up and down every inch of the bottom floor in your mall. You know, the ones who step in front of you, mid-stride, to ask "Can I ask you a question?" And no matter how friendly you say, "Not now, thanks," they continue with something stupid like, "You don't want shiny, luxurious locks?" You know, right?

The solution: Please be a dear and kindly remove them. Please.

Your Valued Customer,
andrea

ps - Could you also do something about the pungent scent that wafts out of Abercrombie and into every nook and cranny in your mall?

It's Raining in the OC

*This post is long. But, get over it. I promise it's worth reading.

So, it's raining here in the OC. That's very uncommon... very. Now, being a Texas girl, I love it. I love the change, love the gloom, love the sound of the constant rhythm of the water tapping on the wet concrete. Memories of splashing around in puddles flood my mind. I remember huddling with my sister under the plaid umbrella I loved so dearly. I remember pinching the crap out of my finger every time I went to close it. I remember having to play "Heads Up - Seven Up" during recess. I remember Lance Woods cheating every time. I remember my sister falling in the mud as she ran to make the bus. I remember sitting in our suburban at the bus stop while it rained all around us, even though we were only two houses away from the bus stop. Literally, two houses away. I remember our front yard would often flood creating The Petty Lake (we were so clever).

But what I think it absolutely hilarious... like, knee-slapping, side-splitting, bust-a-gut funny (ewww... I just realized how horribly violent that is)... are the people's reactions here. Y'all, it would appear as though a tsunami has hit. Or better yet... Armageddon in the form of raindrops. This morning on the news, the segue into the weather portion went like this: flashes of photos of lightning, people being blown away against forceful winds, palm trees being uprooted, power lines crashing down creating thousands of sparks, with these spoken words, "For all severe weather updates, stay tuned to ABC 7... LA and Orange County's weather leader." Then a brief moment of anxiety-driven tones/beats and "Storm Watch 2008" all but comes to life on the screen before Dallas Raines (yes, that's our weatherman's name) comes on to talk about the severity of this weather. Ok, let's gain some perspective, folks. Severe weather?? Really?! Severe weather??? IT'S RAINING!! I understand that because of the flash of photos you just threw up, it would appear to be severe... but let's be honest, those weren't even photos from LA OR Orange County. IT'S ONLY RAINING! And now Dallas Raines (have to say his full name) is telling us to "stay inside unless we have to go out." Really, Dallas Raines? Stay inside? Why? For fear that a few measly little raindrops will decide to go rogue and form an all-out attack? I don't get it? IT'S JUST RAINING. Oh, also he tells me it's "really cold out there. So bundle up!" IT'S 51*!!!! 51!! Cold is what the mid-west is facing with the below 0 temps. 51 is not cold, it's "colder than we're used to," but it's not cold.

Then, I get on the road with a bunch of these people who have spent the morning on Storm Watch 2008 listening to Dallas Raines. This is already an anxiety-filled town... the last thing they needed this morning was Dallas Raines talking about rain. Again, folks, road rules don't change just because it's raining. Sure, slow down a little... maybe break a little sooner, but what is up with the swerving? Are you swerving around the little puddles? Because you do realize that your car is larger than those puddles? Relax... look at your knuckles... they're snow-white from gripping the steering wheel. Yes, your child can see the rain hitting your car, you don't need to continue to point to it as though it's a blink-or-you'll-miss phenomenon.

And then you hear about the severity of the weather all the livelong day. "Man, it's POURING out there!" No, it's raining. Just raining. Pouring is when you have to pull over because you can't see no matter the speed of your wipers. "This weather makes me want to snuggle with my blanket and watch Love Actually as I sip on hot chocolate." Got nothing cynical to say about that... that sounds nice. "This weather is weird. It's kinda like end-of-the-world weather." Who did you get that idea from? Dallas Raines? IT'S RAINING!! We are not dying! It's only water. It is not infested with an unknown virus. It's just raining. Breathe. It's only rain. This too shall pass.

And it seems as though some people have taken Dallas Raines up on his offer. Because out of the 25 people who work here, 1/5 of them did not come in yesterday or today. "The rain made them sick." Really?! The rain made you sick? What happened? Did you sleep out in the rain all night? And even if you did, do you honestly believe that the rain is what made you sick? Really? I mean, don't you think Seattle-ites (Seattle-ins? what is it?) would be in a constant state of "ill" if RAIN is what makes us sick. Seriously, folks. IT'S JUST RAINING! Oh, but the dear in my office swears the rain gave her a migraine for 2 days. Yes, a 2-day migraine from the rain. (I happen to think it's because of all the chocolate she's been inhaling, but I'm no doctor). So today is her first day back after the rain-induced migraine. She loves details, so at 8:45 am this morning she tells me exactly how she's been treating this headache. First she says, "... even Dallas Raines says this weather can get you sick..." WHOA! Whoa! Whoa! Dallas Raines? Who the hell is this man and why is everyone acting like he's some all-knowing god? He's a weatherman... on the morning news... who explains what the colors on the screen mean and he pushes his hands around thin air to try to show which direction this "storm" is moving. And he READS A PROMPTER! Anyway, back to the 2-day, rain-induced migraine. So Dallas Raines confirms that indeed this is the worst form of migraine to have. So she laid in bed for 2 days straight and took "800mg of IBM every 6 hours." Really?! IBM? Well, honey, that explains your migraine. It's not the rain that caused it... anyone who swallows computers and printers to treat a headache is going to heighten the pain. Welcome back.

But now she's perplexed. "What do I do with my umbrella now," she asks. "It's really wet and I don't want to keep it closed in case it gets moldy, but you know what they say about opening umbrellas indoors." What are we? 7 years old? As she walks off, umbrella dripping, she turns and says, "Hey, Andrea! What do I do when my car glidroplanes? Or is is skidroplanes? Is it best to brake before or after?" Huh?! Glidroplane? Skidroplane? I don't know. "You know, when your car like glides in the water puddles." HYdroplane... she meant hydroplane. That question totally helped me understand the swerving around the water puddles thing: people here don't know how to drive in the rain. They just don't. And unfortunately, until Dallas Raines tells them how to, they may never.

"Want a Thing-a-ma-bob? I got 20!"

Twenty (20) things about me that may (or may not) surprise you:

1. i like to read news on news.bbc.co.uk. every day. more than once a day.
2. i'm crazy about fonts. the good ones.
3. i still don't consider myself a california girl. don't know if i ever will.
4. i like country music. but i don't like songs about ticks, the fans or badonkadonks. (i don't even know if i spelled that correctly).
5. i also don't like songs about thongs, cisco! but that's not country.
6. i've read the first few books of the Left Behind series. hahaha. ya... i laughed too.
7. most of my travels occur in my head... in the wishing region of my head. if i had lots of money, they would occur more in reality.
8. my room is messy right now. matter of fact, my car is too. (sorry, mom and dad - it's not you.)
9. i cry - about sad things - about happy things - about average things. it's a way i express. and i don't apologize for it. and it's not a girl thing.
10. i don't think there's anything about me - anything i've done, anything i've said, anything i've felt or feel - that at least one person on this earth does not know. anything. unless i don't know yet.
11. cats are not my favorite.
12. i l-o-v-e writing with an ultra fine point Sharpie pen.
13. i have two (2) friends in my life i would consider my SOULmates.
14. sometimes i whine. i don't like it when i do. in fact, sometimes i punish myself when i do by sending me to my room to sit on my bed and think about a better way to respond. then i apologize to myself and move on.
15. apologizing is healing for me.
16. i have a very, very uncomfortable bed. one time i whined about it.
17. my senior year in high school i was elected "best smile." but then the yearbook came out and the picture they showed under "Best Smile" is HORRIBLE. my eyes are almost closed and my smile look like i'm talking and smiling at the same time. oh, and my eyebrows are like an inch thick.
18. when someone says "where should we eat?" and i say, "it doesn't matter." i really mean, "it doesn't matter." it's not a mind game. promise.
19. i'm eight (8) minutes late to work every day.
20. i have a list of things to do before i die. it's not as morbid as it sounds. some people call them "long-term goals."

I Don't Get It

"You don't get what?" you're asking. This:

1. When people put window stickers of their families on cars. I especially don't get it when they put each family member's name below the corresponding cartoon-y stick figure with their last name sprawled over the top. And don't get me started on the pets.




2. When people say something like, "It's a shame that nobody has snatched you up yet." Ummm... I don't get it. Who or what exactly did you just shame?

3. The Christmas... excuse me... the Holiday decor at my work. I have 5 events over the next two weeks and somehow I was given the task of making sure all of the clubhouses were decorated this week because "I have good style." And let me remind you that this community is made up of very nice, expensive and classy homes. Sounds fun, right? Well, like 50 bins of decor was dropped off in my office to use. It seriously looks like we all went through our junk drawers and dumped them in these bins. So this is what I have to use... TO DECORATE CLUBHOUSES! I have to. And yesterday, this put me in a bad mood (well, I let it put me in a bad mood) when I had to decorate this HUGE (ginormous) wreath - or as my co-worker would say, "reef." They handed me the wreath along with the "items" to decorate it. These items consisted of: a string of gold beads/leaves long enough to stretch around 1/3 of the wreath, a string of bright red and green jewel-y beads to stretch across another 1/3 and a bunch of little pixie things to just stick around the stupid wreath - some that look like glittered gifts, some that look like flat, gold grapes, some that look like a bouquet of holly... you get the picture. And that's it. That's it??? What the hell am I supposed to do with all this crap? So we have a beautiful room with gorgeous wood floors, huge elaborate chandeliers and a big 'ol tacky wreath hangin on the wall. I don't get it.

4. Why people still come to work when they're sick... coughing on everything, snotting on everything, hacking. I get you're a hard worker and you feel okay enough to work, but now it's two weeks later and we're ALL sick. And then, when someone else decides to stay home, you say proudly, "I still came in when I was sick."

5. Ugg boots. I don't get it. Especially when you wear them with your mini-skirt.

6. Why Kenny Chesney keeps winning Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs. Why?? I don't get it.

7. Why people tell me I look like this when I put on my glasses. I don't get it.